Focus on the Controllables: How You Can Take Control of Your Life
“What can I control today?”
“What is out of my control?”
Focusing on those two questions has been helpful as I navigate life as a professional mom of three children who feels tugged in multiple directions each day. And as my children get older (and busier) with school and after-school activities, oftentimes, it seems like my time is always outside of my control.
And surprise, surprise, time is actually one thing we can’t control: we all have 24 hours in a day-- that’s it.
So, if that’s the case, understanding what we actually can control allows us to understand how we can use our time to do the things we desire in our life and feel our best while doing them.
And then, when we look at what we can’t control, we can instead focus on the “controllables” so that we can take back control of our life and our time.
A Personal Story
The old me used to feel like I had no control over anything: work responsibilities, stressors, family obligations and activities controlled how I went about my everyday routines and how I felt. I was exhausted from running from one thing to the next, pouring my energy into my work responsibilities and children, navigating stress, and I didn’t seem to have any time to prioritize my health.
Each morning I woke up with the same amount of hours to get things done, but there was so much on my plate that those tasks and responsibilities seemed to control my life and my energy levels. I came home mentally and emotionally drained, which prevented me from being the mom and wife I wanted to be.
I hear similar stories from professionals I work with… we all have 24 hours in a day, but time and our responsibilities seem to control us and how we feel.
How We Can Take Back Control
By asking ourselves these two questions, we can begin to “control the controllables”:
“What can I control today?”
“What is out of my control?”
The following graphic from Turning the Page is helpful to understand the things in our life that we do and don’t have control over:
This graphic is based on Steven Covey’s Circle of Influence, which states that proactive people work on the things they can control. Whereas reactive people focus on the Circle of Concern which are things that they have little to no control over.
If we look closely at these circles, the only things we can control are our own thoughts, words, actions, behaviors, choices, and mindsets. We cannot control other people’s thoughts, words, actions, behaviors, choices, and mindsets. We also cannot control all the other factors that play a part in our everyday life. So, it is entirely up to us how we respond (with our thoughts, words, and actions) to all the influences we may encounter.
When I started to look at my daily life in this way, it forced me to turn my attention inward.
I no longer blamed my work schedule, stressors, low energy, lack of time, or other people. Instead, I was able to focus on what I could control-- and that started with paying closer attention to my own self-talk, my thoughts, my actions, my emotions, and my behaviors.
Take Steps Toward Controlling Your Life
Once you identify that you, and you alone, are the one in control, you can take the power back. You can decide for yourself how you want to think, respond, behave, and feel. And that’s when the inner work begins.
For example, if I know that my day is going to be full between my work, home, and child responsibilities, I can first identify what I can control: how I think, feel, and respond throughout my day. I can use the Be-Do-Have identity framework to decide how I want to manage my time, my energy, and my mindset based on what I actually can control. Then, I can use what I call my “Smart Step” strategy to go deeper into how I am actually going to accomplish what I want to accomplish.
So, if I often feel drained, highly stressed, and maxed out on my time, I can “do the work” of figuring out what I can control which includes my self-talk, my emotions, and my behaviors throughout the day. Then, I can use the Be-Do-Have Identify framework to explore who I want to be (energized, organized, and feeling like I have enough time to accomplish what I want to accomplish) based on what’s within my control. Then, I need to take action and can use the “Smart Step” strategy for how I am going to go about 1) being more energized, 2) being more organized, and 3) putting time management strategies in place.
To reiterate:
Ask yourself: “What can I control today? What is out of my control?”
Use the Be-Do-Have framework to discover who you want to be and how you are going to accomplish the small (and big) goals that you have for yourself.
Create a plan using the “Smart Step” strategy to move you forward with your specific goals.
Additional Suggestions To Focus On The Controllables
Here are a few more suggestions for how to focus on the controllables, especially during more stressful moments of life or when you are feeling pulled back into old habits and ways of being/thinking:
Practice Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Stay present in the moment by using mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing or short meditation breaks. When you feel overwhelmed by things outside of your control, you can use these techniques to ground yourself and refocus on what you can control.
Set Boundaries: One important aspect of taking control is learning to say "no" or setting limits on what you allow into your life. Set clear boundaries to protect your time, energy, and well-being, both in personal and professional settings.
Create a Daily Reflection Habit: Spend time at the beginning or at the end of each day journaling about what you were able to control, what went well, and what you want to improve. This habit of reflection will reinforce positive behaviors. Using my “10 Minute Power Practice” would be a powerful morning routine so that you can begin your day with intention and mindfulness.
Practice Gratitude: Focus on the things you are thankful for, even during stressful or busy times. A daily gratitude practice can shift your focus from what is lacking or out of control to what you appreciate and have power over.
Leverage the Power of Routine: Establishing simple, consistent habits can create structure and help you feel more in control of your day. Create morning or evening routines can help you have control over how you start and end your day.
Embrace Flexibility with Prioritization: Sometimes unexpected things happen. Be flexible while still maintaining a sense of control. Learn to prioritize tasks, reshuffle when necessary, and adapt without feeling defeated.
Shift from Perfectionism to Progress: Remember, you don’t have to do everything perfectly. Focus on progress rather than perfection which can relieve unnecessary pressure and allow you to celebrate your wins, no matter how small.
The above suggestions can be part of your personal "Smart Step" approach so that you can create meaningful change by reinforcing a mindset of self-compassion, intentionality, and self-improvement. Remember, self-improvement comes from taking small, smart steps each day. Focusing on the controlables is a power move in the right direction.
Photo credit Mpho Mojapelo.
